Saturday, January 5, 2008

Golden Death Ray

Today I woke up, and checked the house for him. Wondered if I should get in the car and go check the snowbanks for him. Decided to lay down with my daughter but I couldn't sleep. I wake up at the same time every day, regardless of whether or not I have had enough sleep, because I am 3 hours behind my future and every second matters. Sometimes I wake up feeling fine. Sometimes I wake up feeling like shit, and I don't want to live another day like this, in this life.. this new and totally fucked up reality that there is no planning for. No defense of.

I can handle it most mornings, I think. At least that's how it starts. The days start with me handling it, and then slowly... the cars pile up, the bodies present themselves all over again, and survivors wander the wreckage barely alive and completely devastated like they do for days on end in my head...

And once again, realizing what has happened here, the smoke clears and these zombies fashion torches out of the sea of lost loved limbs around their battered feet, raise their dead souls high and set them alight with the fires of Hell that I have flash flooded their homes with... and they scream at me to freeze!

And they come after me not knowing what they will do to me when they find me, but knowing that when they do find me... They will make it hurt and they will make me pay. I will owe until I have bled and bruised my way back to the top again, where everyone wins but me. Today is like yesterday.

"I worry about you. I really worry about you."

"Don't you have any guilt?"

"I hope you know what you are doing..."

"I hope you know what you are doing..." (You have a daughter version)

"Will you one day explain to me, what happened here?"

"What are you going to do for money?"

"I don't want the sole responsibility."

"I could make this go nicely, or I could make this go badly."

"So, you have it all going on?" (falling apart? enjoying it?)

"I know how you are. You are a nurturer. Will you get what you need?" (Suddenly it matters Mix)

"We always said, if we ever left here, that it would cost a fortune to ship our lives out of here." (I think that what it costs you to leave me, is fucking hysterical... save the receipts, baby. )

"I hate to see you this way.. " (with the brick wall in front of your eyes.)

"I mean, you don't even know this guy."

"How do you know he's okay?"

I was scared to leave Civilization and come here to this fucking state. I am a grown woman now. I know what I need to do, and I know what I am capable of creating, surviving and now, finally... having, and I have no fucking delusions or illusions about what is going on around me as I clear the field to get to myself.. buried under the debris of failed garden on top of failed garden... torched by drowning villagers out of their fucking minds and trying to pull me under.

I don't wish things had gone differently, because every day I honestly come upon the definition of who the fuck I am amidst an unhealthy and crazy kind of forest fire where everyone escapes but and because of me. And if that's the worst thing that can happen to me in a day, then I am doing okay, and everyone else was lucky. As usual I am only in the way.

I do know who I am. I pretend that I don't. I pretend that I don't to protect people. When people tell me that they don't understand me, I say, "No shit. Join the club." (Chuckles.) This doesn't mean that I am not dying for them to come back to me and fucking relate...

But I know who the fuck I am. I know that I have been dying a slow spiritual death since the day I was fucking born. It was my fate to end up however the fuck I will end up and however the fuck I have found myself here... today, a day just like yesterday... But full of a hope... the likes I never had access to.

I have been looking for some kind of golden death ray to bathe me in a warmth of understanding and deliver me from the fucking pain I have endured living on this Earth as the person that I am.. with the heart that I have and the guts that I am at least fucking willing to show, and take the fucking load of laundry for the whole village upon my shoulders, to the river- to wash the blood and detritus from their slices of hardly perfect-critical of me-lives, and I still fucking apologize when I drop their heavy cargo from exhaustion on the way to their far-out homes.

Where is the love that spares me? Illuminate my path again. I am forever lost in finding you. Please don't hide anymore. Show yourself and trust me. I put everything on the line to be yours. Everything, and if that's too much... too bad. You won't be rid of me so easily, and you shouldn't keep me from you.

I am not the only thing that can save you, but I fight all night.