A Cake Walk at Bathory's

There's beauty in the grotesque. But not because I have anything to do with either the beauty or the grotesque in the things I "observe" like a fucking ledge walker. And I can't even separate them, the beautiful and the grotesque. I only have my hands which have done good and terrible things to haul in my ethereal load. I have my eyes which show me what the atmosphere chooses to show me when I choose to keep them open. I have my mind which develops the film it is given and the processing is subject to the quality of supplies and environment.. which means... the final picture is just a picture by just one more person. I will always have my mind and my hands and my equipment, so what good does it do to pretend I can grow and share thoughts with others? Others are one more product of a string of developments who may or may not have had all the chemicals to bring out the grays. Dimensional. Totally dimensional. Why the questions. Why the hope. Why the fuck do I use blogger.

Gag.

mukluk yuk yuk

Didn't get to do the toothbrushing deal yet. Had another emergency. Had to ship a guy out of here who had something serious going on that we just couldn't identify. The on call physician at one of Anchorage's medical hospitals says, "So we pay ten thousand dollars to get them out here for alcohol detoxification.." They're jaded. I get it. I say, "That sounds fine. Because that's not what's going on here. We know this guy. Something is really wrong this time. We don't have the resources or tools to help him if he totally crashes. He looks twice his age. He can't do anything for himself. It's not for us to figure out your financing issues. You need to bring this guy in." etc etc. .... I hate this time of fucking year. It's absurd the preventable accidents and casualties. And all these elders around us are dropping like fucking flies... and they all see it coming and just can't seem to correct their course. People have started t o look at us like a necrotic finger that used to once be bountiful. People feel sorry for us and disgusted, all the while supporting the system that causes this island depression.

Drowned. He Drowned, and here we all are... as we were but without him.

6 nights ago, we lost one of our own villagers to the sea. I have been doing damage control.. counseling grief.... if you knew me, you would probably laugh. Hard. If you were me.... You wouldn't have a laugh left.

In the mornings I run the clinic during June, our Hell month. Quadruple the emergencies and accidents. The village is predominantly elderly and children. I volunteer at the Recreation center every afternoon for a few hours. 15 kids or so from between 1 years and 14. I assign 4 sheriffs at the beginning of each "shift". Juice patrol, chair patrol, stick patrol and janitor control... The kids like the power and it saves me so much time. All great kids... what a fucked up place sometimes. I ordered 600 bucks in rec games and stuff that will hopefully lift some spiritis. We built a giant cardboard robot. His name is M180 "the twirlin pirate robot". Its a candy and soda free zone now.

Tomorrow I will give them a pop tooth brushing quiz. I have the red tablets that expose where you didn't brush. Maybe I'll post pictures.

Life is fucking Purgatory.

dial 555 something something.

I have been waiting for the Hanging call. I will wait for the Hanging call until I receive it. I fight every day against the Hanging call. Each piece of news i receive braids the knot. I fight every day. I hate every day. I hate every day.

I have no one to talk to about the mechanics of strange and life.

Facing Years.. Blowing Yes Men.

The most recent defense attorney claims to be best friends with the Prosecution (as they all have claimed while passing us across the rich knots on their skull and bones stationary sets to the next guy on the list.) The State has offered my little brother 8 years. The return offer may be 2-8 years with possibly 1-2 years release with good behavior. What a fucking joke. I don't even have enough scars to count how many murderers have gotten less for outrageous and heinous crimes, and as of now, I have a fucking score of scars. Not about me though. Kind of about me though, because I am running out of friends and people who will understand this impossible situation without giving the State the right to think for them.

I would have more confidence in the abilities of these private monoliths to take care of kid gloves, if the retired Nuclear Submarine Commander of the extended family hadn't been reduced to helplessness just trying to convince the fair ground guards just to give my brother his anti-psychotic medication after being denied it for two weeks... as if that was a favor to us and not them. I've said it before, but how else could you support the dangerous delusions of a paranoid person than to arrest them at customs and then behave like fucking Neanderthals with no concern for protecting the delicate balance of mental and physical health of a man by ignoring doctors orders? Are they just totally ignorant? What is the fucking deal with getting prisoners with mental health issues their proper care? Doesn't this shit cost us billions? I'm sure it does, and guess what else. ... The billions pay for jackasses to drop the ball. Who the hell runs this crap shoot?

Don't answer that. Sometimes I forget that we execute people and we vote.

I flip through the dial like an insane bitch trying to find some piece of humanity I can tolerate.

And by the way, the defense and prosecution attorneys get along so grandly because they fucking bank and like to spend their down time shooting birdies and tossing the bankrupted "gifts" of desperate people into the painful psychic mix of exclusive cigar bar cocktails- sucking every bit down- just to deal with the "humanity" of our deepest pain with the most detached system possible, while maintaining a Western Front.

It's business for them... and really really personal for me.

The equation for how war starts can be located above.

Los Angeles lovers can have each other.

The facility holding my brother in Los Angeles, has not been giving my brother his anti-psychotic medication, he tells my mother. No word on Extradition yet. Two counties are possibly interested... Meanwhile, a mentally ill young man sees all the fantasies we refused him come to life, and we fall in on the sidelines of the horrordome as part of the bad men crew.

Extradition

Kid Gloves is not contesting Extradition to a Texas court. He is medicated. This entire ordeal happens from a customs arrest to a Los Angeles jail cell. It falls unlovingly right into the paranoid expectations of a schizophrenic who believes whole heartedly that the Bell does indeed toll for him. Has his loving family now become his enemy? "Positively", he states that he seeks resolution. His articulate mannerisms, I can only hope, will bring him a decent/luke warm judgement. The trick with the courts is to play or not to play the mental health card. It's logical to assume that the courts are educated about mental health issues. I doubt though, that they will be less than medieval in their handling of his case... Why? Well... For starters... Prisons BANK and Prisons are private industries that benefit from handling the mysterious and free radicals that society chooses not to be civil to and progressively treat.

I make no excuses. I don't think that my brother makes them either. I wish I could tell him how fucked up I thought things were, if it didn't mean he would scratch his eyes out to escape through them.

Woe be gone

Kid Gloves was arrested at the Los Angeles airport yesterday entering the country. Suckage.

Current Biggest fear

That......


That... All my scrambling to make decent reasons for hanging in there (reasons that I know are total bullshit) won't convince you to stick around... and that you will look at me with your sunken and intelligent eyes and say, "sounds good, sis. ha ha" And then two days later, the phone will ring.

Cheaper Minutes

My closest family members are all in Australia right now. There's some decidedly heavy family shit going down currently, and I haven't really sorted it all out... That's for starters.

I have a calling card that I use. I can dial the 32 digit number to reach my little brother with my eyes closed and my fingertips sawed off. The calling card costs me $40 bucks every time it recharges for about 400 state to state minutes. When I call Australia, 40 bucks gets me about 30  minutes. I know there's all kinds of ways to get around this charge, but I'm not going to join the phone circus to do that. Mapping out times and locating "cheaper minutes" and planning "talking time" with people I'd rather call whenever the fuck I feel like it, doesn't appeal to me.

If I run out of time, I usually get disconnected after the computer voiced lady tells me, " You have one minute of call time left." I'm the only person in the conversation who can hear this, and I always have to give 30 seconds to find the best place to cut them off and tell them that we have about 30 seconds of the issued and approved 60 seconds left to wrap it up. To tie the loose ends into unforgettable knots.

Normally, this happens at super fucking wrong times. Well, maybe it's actually the perfect time, I don't know. Take this for example. A couple of days ago, I called Australia and everyone was getting ready to make a drive out to Boreen Point. Its a place that my family crawls back through generations. There's tons of stingrays from what I can remember. It was lush, and full of mystery at night. It smelled of rotten fruit, which made the fresh fruit taste all the sweeter.

The drive to Boreen Point was on a long and winding road where you'd hardly encounter any other car for miles on end. When you did see a car, you strained as they got closer to try and make them out. In the blink of an eye... size them up.

There has never been one instance when a car came at mine, with only a painted line separating us, that I didn't seriously count down to death and prepare to see the flashing images of my life Usher me to my final exit. It's like there's never any possibility other than a collision in my head on any highway.

My mother says that they are going to visit my Grandfather's grave and she tries to run right into the next punch as if it's a roll and I detect my mother tripping over her lips gumming out the words "grandfather" or "dad" interchangeably, but that's because her tongue has had absolutely zero practice saying them to me. My patriarchs have always been concepts.

So, I wasn't completely shocked when my mother said they were going to stop by "Dad's" grave during the trip. Normal enough, if you always knew your grandfather even had a grave, which would imply he had a death, and that people in my family knew there was a cause of death and that there was a man who they had all loved at one time or another who just passed on, and he was physically lowered into the Earth by someone who probably got paid to keep books on shit like that, and was anyone even fucking there? Were you ever planning to share that with me? I never ask for details, and that's probably why half of my childhood memories are dreams and not legacies. I don't blame my mother because it causes her pain like no other to talk about it. But it is significant to note that the memory of my grandfather, and how he means anything to me, is based off of a totally different understanding of the past. I'll be 34 in a couple of months. Maybe you could send me a photograph to round out my collection to ten. Sure. I'll trade it for a painting. What would you like? I'll see what I can do, and then you will see too.

It took me about 5 seconds to hear about an overnight grave and process my feelings about just learning it. Then the operator said, "You have one minute of talk time left."

I was always told my grandfather lost his mind while fighting with the Light Brigade during WWII in Papua New Guinea. Fair enough. He comes home. I am told he talked to light bulbs while I sat on his lap, so I don't know if we ever connected. No one seems to think so. Then, he ups and leaves his wife and 5 kids. End of story.

This is where my imagination apparently created other pieces of who I thought my grandfather was. Don't worry. This won't take long. I "dreamed" I was walking on a sandy beach and came upon a hut. To enter you had to pass through a wall of hanging beads. The floor was sand. My grandfather sat there, and I walked to him and I think we hugged. What we felt can't be reclaimed and won't be dismissed by someone else's account.

I thought that was a memory until I asked my mother about it and she seemed kind of freaked out and said it must have been a dream. So, no telling there. There is of course the obvious, my grandfather stopped by my sleeping body on his way to hell. That's where all sick people go right? I can't think of any religion that ever truly did a fucking thing to Crush War. It's your job to sway me that's for sure, you believers.

There was never in my whole life a mention of a funeral or a place or whatever. I always assumed our family had a sadness because he just left and no one ever knew what became of him. I am starting to put the pieces together though, and I guess I can understand. Loving someone with severe mental illness is sad when you are helpless to heal them when they are around and crushed when they are gone without your helplessness even, and there was so much lacking from what you could communicate and share. That was ten seconds into the thirty seconds left.

I told my mom, time was running out. I asked her if he smoked. She knew the brand "Avatar" or something apparently no longer available. I asked her to leave a pouch of it on his grave. It seemed to surprise her that I wanted to do that... maybe because I had never offered or asked to give something to commemorate my grandfather's "passing".... maybe because I didn't know there was a fucking grave to begin with.

She said yes no problem and we would talk again soon and she loved me and my brother loved me and my step father loved me and would I kiss my child from them all etc. etc.

It's possible that if I tell my mother I never knew there was a grave, she will reference how I live in my own head because she must have told me the only three times I wasn't paying attention. I think my argument would likely be, a grandfather should be burned into your soul and not something you could maybe have remembered wrong or dreamt. Need more information please. I'll work on the processing, but I can't promise that I can handle my attitude.

Don't worry pops. You're in here.

Brown Paper Dog

It's so nice to be able to open the window. It's been another long winter. Etc. Etc.

Big City Lights I

When I went to Brooklyn, I stayed with my glorious fag of an actor friend. He shared an elevator sized 2 bedroom apartment with a guy he had nothing in common with and barely knew. He said I couldn't be in the place alone because of house rules. I would have to leave when he left for work. I could ride the subway into Manhattan and walk around. So I did.

I walked around for twenty-four hours.

Alot can happen in 24 hours.

Just five minutes please!

My daughter is driving me crazy.

There's 24 people on the island right now. Several boats have been going through to pick up pot gear for fishing. Boats are heading North of the Pass into the Bering Sea for a brief Herring season. I used to work on a boat during herring. I had to pull out 20 or so random fish from a haul and snap their backs in half, record whether they were male or female and how much they weighed. Nasty. Float planes flew overhead radioing coordinates for fish schools to boats below.

A boat at the city dock made an announcement on the VHF radio. We all communicate here by radio as much as phone. They said, "This is the fishing vessel______. We have a bonfire going on the beach north of the city dock. We have refreshments (likely beer unless they also have chick tracts and koolaid). We have good music. Hospitality is a wonderful thing. Come and join us. Share your stories with us."

That kind of invitation is pretty rare. A few years ago, this fisherman named Snakey Pete (Snakey as in Delerium Tremons from acute alcohol poisoning) called me on the radio to tell me he loved me or something like that. I told him to have another drink.

I made the guys on the boat an mp3 mixed cd and sent it down with my husband.

I took the next two weeks off of work. I'm lucky I have so much paid leave accrued. I can take long breaks every couple of months. How do people do it everywhere else? Not too much drama workwise this month. Just burned out on caring.

I sent my little brother a loaded ipod. He was really happy about it. He also said the similarities to what songs were about and his own mind freaked him out. That sucked. Hopefully I didn't send him down the rabbit hole. What else am I supposed to do? Mash peas for him and talk about clouds?

I haven't been able to paint in forever. No painting with a toddler. No sense even trying.

The sun is up until midnight and she thinks it's much earlier. She rebels when I try to get her to sleep. She's full of sentences this week though.

I've been working at the library here as the sole librarian. The library hasn't been open since I opened it a year ago. I had to take a hiatus because my kid would have been destroying all the books and smearing feces about. It's good to be back in there. It's good to have actually digested a book after going so long without reading. Baby steps.

I'm glad summer is here. I like the change in scenery. I am not crazy about the rush of traffic and all of the generic questions people passing through ask. I just avoid them. I must seem like a neurotic housewife.

Bring me the Head of That Fog Wall.

In general I don't "write" when the events in my life are moving along with no suspense. I "write" when I have a choking ball of venom threatening to treat my spinal fluid to a black flood of retarded heartbeats, wasting everyone I care about with a juvenile preoccupation of death camp impressions.

There is no remedy to these attacks. No plausible sentencing of my criminal thoughts will alleviate the psychic stench of my over-bearing paddle toward solitude. There is only knowing that sane revelations truly do come from fantasy-driven orderlies....

Poetic justice floats like oily residue on thick swamp water beneath me. My rick-shaw boat, stops in, gets analyzed by the local witch and Moves on to the next weigh station... undetected but feared just the same.

I am a dog. I am a dog. I am a dog... with no hunger driving me.

Our each and every cell is a battle scar.

I never want to write about my teenage years. There's so much I can't recall.

Everyone grows up hearing "When I was your age" or "When I was young..." followed by some pathetic tale of how technology and information has somehow devastated the emotional integrity of that person. You listen. You get it. What can you say? Getting over it
- is easier said than done. Our each and every cell is a battle scar. Hellraisers, each and every one of us, choking down fistfulls of human on every block like zombies stuck in a compost.

My equivalent to missing soda jerks and farming the land for a steady income- is a matter of the American shifting cultural energies haunting me as a child and stuffing me into a pre-paid coffin as an adult. A coffin of my choosing. I want the velvet lining. I want the pearlescent knob. I want the patch under the oak tree. I want the headstone to be edible. Whatever. I want my bones to be burned. I want King Kong to jerk off on my ashes and force you to sign for them.

I suppose I am lonely here. No more than anyone else probably. My relationship to everyone on this island is different than the relationships of other residents here. I get introduced as "The Doctor." I'm no doctor. I detest the mechanics of IT ALLtoo much to be a doctor. I screen my phone calls because 9 out of 10 calls has something to ask of me rather than offer me.. (not that answering the phone is about the eternal reception). I do get into the science behind medicine. Callouses make diabetic ulcers calling for amputation. Salt kills bacteria. Don't give Nitroglycerine to someone taking Viagra. Emergency Medicine is depressingly thrilling, but not here. No thrill here. Not under these circumstances. Not when I have to be the medic for an extended family of people who will always be predjudiced against me and use me when it suits their convenient disposable jock. It's not like I get out of the ambulance or punch out at work and I never see my patients again. They visit when they are drunk and tell me tragic stories all the while never mentioning how I couldn't revive their 65 year old brother..... And that's not the only barrier to us ever loving each other. Fuck it all. Boo Hoo. Maybe I have it wrong. Maybe you demonstrate love, by tormenting the creatures around you who share enough history with you to tolerate your unrelenting hate and fluctuating forgiveness... and maybe I show mine by giving you the room to do it... Yeah. Truthfully, that's likely for reasons I don't care to share with you... in this perpetual state of bombed out playing fields.

My favorite part of the male anatomy is the "snuff box". Always has been, mostly when I am watching the muscles grip the stick shift of a car I am riding passenger in- going somewhere I have never been-listening to something I have never heard feeling ..... bristly and deeply motivated even on dark and unknown roads I am confident being lost on and want to have at you on.... Capturing time can't be done, but I am willing to over-compensate often by leaving a trail of fermented crumbs. Typically, they are scavenged and kicked aside. Personally, that kind of battle turns me on, and with you on board, Where couldn't we "overcome"?

Last night I had a dream involving murderers, hotel security, elevators, towers, and my child hiding safely with my mother behind the door of a room only I knew the number to. When is it okay to enter a room knowing you may be leading an enemy into the fold but you are too tired to fight without reinforcements? Too exhausted to hold off the fight any longer?

Cleared the forest of the trees-have you?

If I had to jump in a time capsule, you wouldn't have the latch locked down long before I was carving out Anti-You messages into my flesh for Alien eyes. I can almost guarantee, "they" would still take your side. It's just how it goes. No hard feelings. One day I'll shoot some hard feelings your way though. so you have a way to measure my impact on you if you needed some help in the me-you-math department.

"The sides of my Uterus itch... I'm Afraid My Fractured Back Will Make Me a Vegetarian..."

Ahhh. My job. People. History. Life. Move On.

The Tiny Tower in the Corner

Maybe I only visit you when I'm failing everything. You aren't god. I never go to god. The Creator can go to the Hell he created. Everytime I see you in my dreams, I am climbing a corner fire pole to reach you, and then I wake up. There's always some soul you spared- gumming up my exit with a soup of out of touch questions about you. There's never enough time to answer your fool or leave you a note. I wake up and move to the couch every single time. You always seem to have weak fans. I joke constantly that I am where true failure begins.

Burnt Fuse Drop-Off Here.

If I said the World was tragic, you'd shove my face into your love.
And if I said the World was magic, you'd parade me through the streets by my cunt.

"I want a war" Vox/chorus A.D. Take 1

I'm here to make war.
I made peace with myself, and I want some more.
I'm here to kill the wolf that killed my dog.

I'm here to wage a war.
Let me tell you what you're fighting for.
The means to an end... and how exciting...
The meaning of it all.

Don't worry if you beat your fists down.
There's a million walls.
Don't worry if you have to re-group
There's a million souls.

I'm here to wage war.
I'm here to kill the wolf that killed my dog.
I'm loading the arsenal
into the vehicle.

I want war.
You're gonna hear shit from me you never heard before.
I want control in a small way.
I swallowed the Earth and everybody praying.

I made peace with myself and I want some more.

I'm here to kill the wolf that killed my dog.

wolves

This Village is in a wild state of disrepair. We've got a liquor store and no church. We received month-old produce yesterday after going 2 months with nothing. Our water is constantly freezing. Wolves are eating our dogs. (4 dogs this week,out of 12 including my 6 year old husky Joan Jett). New town hires look like embalmed drag queens and are barely functioning on their steady diet of vodka. We have ZERO law enforcement. The School is probably going to close next year because we have 5 of the ten kids needed to get government funding. It's all or nothing. The tenth kid equals $450,000 to run for the year and the other nine students might as well be invisible chopped liver. I think it's totally unconstitutional. If the School closes, we get sent leaflets from private agencies wanting to help us home school. If the School closes, families will never move here with children. The jobs we need filled in our village are of major importance and if we don't have a school, the already dusty job postings will never be filled. Our mayor is a commercial fisherman who is is never here. My husband is the acting Vice Mayor, and the stress level is through the roof here. There's maybe 15 able bodied adults on the island (2 of whom are registered pedophiles). We're constantly getting freaked out by Earthquakes and Tsunami warnings. Mail planes and contact with the "outside world" are making it in once a week if we are lucky. My two year old refuses to shit on the toilet. I have family fighting in Iraq. The tribe I work for went under major Reconstruction and I keep getting in trouble at every teleconference for antagonizing them. I probably shouldn't go this far, but one of my grandmothers is on an Oxygen Concentrator and the other is suicidal. My little brother took a knife to his throat and was found wandering the streets of Australia. My kid brother... a newly diagnosed Paranoid Delusional Schizophrenic Fugitive (who's being visited by my mother's identical twin sister tomorrow.) So also, the Grizzly bears are starting to wake up from their long sleep on this Refuge. Refuge meaning we aren't supposed to kill them even though they break into my house in the middle of the night. When we do have to kill them, we have to decapitate and skin them, then send the skins out to Fish and Game. My grizzly dreams started last night. Our new post master hasn't hung the flag in months because she's got an 8 month old at work with her. Not sure why this bothers me. Something about it seems wrong. Not to mention it's fucking Easter time. I'm almost convinced that a Flu Pandemic is inevitable and the fashionable "red" campaign ain't seen nothing yet...But on top of all of this, my job is to take care of people. I am fucking spent. So... I'm not tagging my inner walls with smiley faces right now.... I do have a pretty cool hydroponic herb garden though.

"I do not need to be rescued. I am the rescuer. "~Grover